23 Comments
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J. Butler's avatar

I'd like to see your views about parents who treat each of their children differently? Including comparing Child A to Child B. Such as: Speaking to B - A is doing so well in school, why can't you do better? (Internal message: I love A, not you, B.)

Also, my guess is consistency in raising young children would help reduce the chances of estrangement when the children grow up.

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Erin Miller's avatar

You’re naming something so real and painful for many families. When a child hears, “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?” what they often internalize isn’t motivation—it’s rejection. It sends the message: *Your way of being isn’t enough. Love and approval are conditional. You’re falling short.* And as you said so insightfully, the long-term cost can be deep—especially if that dynamic goes unaddressed.

Treating children differently isn’t inherently harmful—kids have different needs, personalities, and temperaments. But when differences turn into favoritism or comparison, the emotional ground starts to shift. That’s where clarity and consistency become essential—not to parent identically, but to be reliably fair, emotionally available, and respectful to each child in a way that fits them.

I also think you’re right about estrangement. When kids grow up feeling misunderstood, measured against a sibling, or never fully seen for who they are, it’s hard to build trust over time. Consistency—especially in how we communicate love, set expectations, and repair after rupture—lays the groundwork for connection that lasts.

Thank you for raising this. It’s a hard, often unspoken dynamic, and it matters deeply.

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Gail's avatar

How did you get so smart. ♥️

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Erin Miller's avatar

Aww, thanks, Gail. ❤️

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Victoria Daemer's avatar

What a great read. Love love LOVE THIS!!! Well done. 🙌

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Erin Miller's avatar

Thank you so much! I'm grateful. 🧡

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Allison Deraney's avatar

This is so good. I’m grateful it came across my feed today.

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Erin Miller's avatar

I’m so glad it found its way to you! Thanks for taking the time to read and share your thoughts.

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YourBonusMom's avatar

This is all so true. Kids absorb EVERYTHING. They have excellent bs detectors. It isn’t possible to be a “perfect” parent and I think kids know that, what they want, need and respect is a trustworthy parent. An adult who takes accountability, has relationship repair skills when mistakes are made, and who sees them as people (not small adults) deserving of respect.

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Erin Miller's avatar

So well said. When we show up with humility and repair, it teaches them more than perfection ever could. Love the way you put it: *what they want, need and respect is a trustworthy parent*. Yes to all of this.

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Cheryl Stow's avatar

About to become a grandmother and determined to do better now that I have become wiser! Will be following for advice and ways to keep knowing and doing better. Thank you

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Erin Miller's avatar

Wisdom paired with curiosity? That’s powerful. What a beautiful mindset to step into grandparenting with.

I’m honored to have you here, Cheryl—and I hope this space continues to support you on that journey.

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Cheryl Stow's avatar

Didn’t expect a reply, much less such a thoughtful response! Thank you for the encouragement, means a lot :-)

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Isabelle's avatar

I really loved this, thank you Erin 💛

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Erin Miller's avatar

I'm so glad it resonated, Isabelle. Thank you for reading and taking the time to say so—it means a lot. 🧡

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Kyle Shepard's avatar

Wow… one of my favorites of yours yet which is saying a lot. Incredible wisdom with so many perspectives that are spot on. Thank you

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Erin Miller's avatar

That means so much, Kyle—especially coming from you. Thank you for reading it with such heart. I’m incredibly grateful for your encouragement (always).

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Edward Jayce Darling's avatar

This is exactly what I needed to read this week. Thank you!

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Erin Miller's avatar

There’s no greater compliment than that—truly. I’m so glad it met you at the right time. Thanks for taking the time to say so, Edward.

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Carll Tucker's avatar

Sage eloquent guidance. Thanks for your wisdom.

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Erin Miller's avatar

Thanks for the kind words, Carll. I'm grateful.

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Alexander Lovell, PhD's avatar

You wrote, "Kids watch who we are more than they listen to what we say." Yikes.

It's such a simple truth, yet so easy to forget. I can lecture all day long about kindness and patience, but if I'm snapping at the driver who cut me off or rushing through our evening routine impatiently, what am I really teaching? It’s a mirror reflection, isn’t it? Kids aren't just absorbing our words; they’re mirroring our actions. It’s a humbling reminder that my biggest impact comes not from what I preach, but from how I live. Bwaha... I'm probably not yet ready to be a parent 😂 too much inner road rage.

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Erin Miller's avatar

Haha...right? It's so true that our everyday moments—especially the unfiltered, stressed-out ones—become the backdrop of our kids' emotional world. We all have our “road rage” moments—it’s what we do after that really sticks. Repair, presence, and showing up again? That’s what matters most.

PS - Kidding aside, I'm 100% convinced you'll be a terrific parent.

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