How Flexibility Shapes Us Into Better Parents
Rooted in Values — Free in Practice
Parenting is often framed as a choice between extremes.
We’re told to either be the strict enforcer or the lenient supporter.
Structure equals safety; flexibility equals chaos.
But what if this isn’t the full picture?
What if it’s about embracing both?
What if being a strong parent means holding our values while allowing space for our children to grow, fail, and discover who they truly are?
The Tension Between Values and Flexibility
Parenting isn’t about choosing one side or the other.
It’s about finding the balance where values and flexibility coexist.
Our values are our anchor—they don’t change.
But how we express them and apply them day-to-day is where flexibility comes in.
We don’t need to be rigid to hold onto what matters.
We can stay grounded in our beliefs while leaving room for our children to explore and develop in their unique way.
When life changes—when our kids’ needs, personalities, or our own circumstances shift—we don’t lose our footing.
Instead of sticking to a rigid formula, we adjust our approach to fit the situation.
“I believe rest is important, so let’s figure out a bedtime that works for both of us.”
“I know you’re not into soccer anymore, but I’m proud you’ve explored new things. What do you want to try next?”
“I know you’re struggling with this decision, but I trust you to figure it out. Let’s talk about your options and come up with the best solution for you.”
Flexibility doesn’t mean abandoning our principles.
But it often means putting in more intentional work to find ways to live our values in new, evolving ways.
Flexibility and Leadership: The Delicate Balance
Leadership in parenting isn’t about control—it’s about guidance.
For too long, many of us believed that effective parenting meant being unshakeable—having all the answers, keeping rules tight, and ensuring everything went according to plan.
But that kind of leadership stifles growth—for us and our kids.
Leading as parents is about being present and responsive, not rigid and commanding.
When we cling too tightly to rules, we miss out on the chance for our children to steer in small (and sometimes big) ways.
When we give them space to navigate for themselves, we teach them the valuable lessons of responsibility, decision-making, and self-trust.
True leadership is rooted in trust, not control.
Strong, effective leaders use their authority to guide, not dominate.
And when we offer our kids grace in the face of mistakes, we give them opportunities to learn and grow.
The Hidden Cost of Control
Rigid parenting often starts with the best intentions.
We think we protect our children by holding the reins tight, shielding them from failure, pain, or discomfort.
But in trying to prevent mistakes, we forget something crucial.
Life isn’t just about avoiding errors; it’s about learning how to navigate them when they happen.
When we control every emotional outburst, conflict, or mistake, we’re not guiding. We’re shutting down opportunities for growth.
When our kids are never allowed to struggle, they don’t learn to trust their instincts or handle discomfort.
Instead, they avoid problems and rely on others to fix things.
This sends a dangerous message: You can’t handle this alone.
When their decisions, emotions, or mistakes are constantly managed for them, they stop trusting themselves.
They miss out on developing resilience and the ability to solve their own problems.
Rigid parenting doesn’t prepare children for the real world—it prepares them for a world we’ve created. Controlled. Predictable. Free of discomfort—theirs and ours.
But the world they’ll step into will be uncertain, full of decisions and consequences.
If we shelter them too much, they’ll be unprepared for the challenges ahead.
What if, instead of preempting and rescuing, we allowed for discomfort?
What if we eased up just a little, giving our children the chance to solve problems and make decisions with confidence?
When we step back, we allow our kids to discover themselves, find their way forward, and learn from their mistakes.
And we, as parents, also learn that we don’t have to control every moment for them to thrive.
Rooted in Values, Not Rules
Our values are the roots of our parenting.
But they don’t stay fixed—they grow, stretch, and evolve with time.
It’s easy to mistake rules for values.
We often think parenting is about setting rigid guidelines and enforcing them.
But rules are surface-level; values are deeper.
Our values are the foundation that keeps us grounded when the winds of change blow through our lives.
What our kids need isn’t more control—it’s more guidance, coupled with empowerment rooted in love, respect, and trust.
These aren’t abstract ideals—they are the heart of how we parent.
Setting purpose-driven boundaries gives our children the space to grow, explore, and become who they truly are—not who we think they should be.
It’s less about saying, “You can’t do this until that’s done,” and more about asking, “How can we make this work for both of us?”
It’s about giving our kids the space to arrive at solutions themselves, while still respecting the value of responsibility.
“In this version you’ve presented, my answer is no. But how can we get to yes?”
The best thing we can do for our children is teach them to trust themselves, stand firm in who they are, and stay true to their values—as we remain rooted in ours.
This doesn’t mean abandoning expectations.
It means setting expectations with a clear purpose—not to enforce an ideal, but to allow freedom within boundaries.
Flexibility and Growth—Together
Allowing our kids to make decisions gives them a sense of ownership.
Explaining the reasoning behind rules, rather than just enforcing them, opens up a conversation.
Giving them space to fail in small ways allows them to learn and grow on their own.
When we create room for them to lead—even in small moments—we’re not just giving them freedom by letting go of rigid control.
We’re giving ourselves space to breathe.
To be present.
To embrace the valuable imperfections of life.
What if, instead of controlling every moment, we trusted ourselves and our children to navigate uncertainty together?
What if, in those unpredictable moments, we found growth—not just for them, but for us as well?
The most powerful thing we can offer our children isn’t a perfect plan, but the trust to figure things out—together.
Feeling stuck and unsure of your next step?
If the ideas you’ve been reading here resonate but you’re unsure how to make them work in your day-to-day, let’s talk. We’ll work through what’s on your mind and create a clear plan so you can move forward with confidence.
"Our values are the roots of our parenting."
Values vs. rules. I like your thinking. Rigid control is something I detested as a child, why should I parent that way. It created some stress when I was parenting with my partner as he has lived his life with a certain amount of rigidity. He does like his rules. It became a dance finding ways to help him bend and flex. The interesting part is as they reached their mid teens he did see value in giving them more space operate based on values instead of strict rules.
I appreciate what you wrote about control, Erin, because I grew up under the umbrella of my mother's pathology of OCD. Everything was controlled, precisely. I grew up to be very afraid of almost anything that couldn't be explained or solved or understood.
As a mom myself, I'm growing into that guidance role and learning what surrender looks like for me in that role. Some boundaries are firm - like zero tolerance for violence - while others are flexible - like whether my kids get to eat dinner outside. It's a delicate dance of sorts, just trying to learn the steps along the way.