Staying Close While Letting Go

Where the Path to Independence Took Us and How We Navigated It Together

A few months ago, I had the opportunity to sit down with my daughters, Scout, a high school senior, and Finnley, a college sophomore, to discuss a topic central to how I navigate parenting: helping our kids gain independence while staying connected.

This conversation offers a glimpse into how we’ve worked together to nurture their independence from an early age until now. Scout and Finnley share their experiences—from managing everyday tasks as kids to making big, independent decisions as young adults.

I hope it offers something meaningful as you navigate your journey of raising independent, confident kids.

For those who wish to listen to the entire episode, click on the PLAY BUTTON ABOVE or listen here.

If you'd prefer to read, I’ve included an abbreviated, slightly revised version of the transcript below.

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What responsibilities did you have as kids that helped you become more independent?

Scout: Once you and Dad got divorced, we took on the mundane responsibilities for ourselves, like waking ourselves up, making our lunch, eating breakfast, all of that stuff.

And we were pretty young. Finnley was nine, and I was seven. As we got older, those little responsibilities grew. But it wasn't outrageous stuff that we were doing. And it was really good for us to get that sense of independence from a young age because it made it easier to make larger transitions as we got older, like driving.

Finnley: Aside from the day-to-day chores, there was also the responsibility to be a good person. At the end of the day, you couldn't care less if we made our lunches, but if we were being a mean girl at school, that was a bigger responsibility, a bigger issue.

So there was the day-to-day responsibility, but what it all came back to was, are you being a good person? A good daughter, a good sister, a good friend. That was the overarching theme—if you were thoughtful and cognizant of others in the household.

Scout: Yeah, the big theme was thoughtfulness.

Erin: I think you're right. It wasn't because you're the kids and I'm making you do chores. We had to develop a system to make our new life work. We had to develop a system, and we all really cared about each other.

Scout: Yeah. How can I pitch in to make this better?

Finnley: Yeah. It was never an obligation of my mom's making me do this. It was something that was internally expected.

Not from you, but from us as a family. This is what we should be doing for each other to make it easier. And it also felt like a gift that we got to be autonomous in what we ate for lunch. (laughing)

Can you share a time when you made a decision on your own that felt like a big step in gaining independence? And how did it turn out?

Scout: Well, I've talked about this on the podcast before. Driving was the biggest adjustment to independence I've ever had to make. Mainly because I experienced driving with you, Mom, and then I experienced driving with Finnley. I always had someone with me, and it felt kind of weird when I had to start doing it on my own.

Erin: Yeah, she had you sitting next to her. And you didn't have anybody sitting next to you.

Scout: Yeah. So that was a really strange feeling, because I wasn't used to being by myself.

But it helped me be less nervous about being on my own because now I know I can do it. And, of course, you can't compare going to college to driving yourself from home to school every day, but it puts into perspective the amount of time I will spend alone.

And, at first, it made me pretty uncomfortable, but then I learned to enjoy it. That was a really interesting but fun time for me.

Finnley: The first time I felt like I was truly making an independent decision by myself was probably choosing not to pursue a military academy.

It sounds weird, but that was the first time I changed my mind on my own. Before, I always had someone say—not even in a judgmental way, but just question— is that actually what you want? And I usually change my mind based on a conversation, thinking it through with someone else.

Just for context, I was applying to the Air Force Academy, hoping to become a pilot and, in the middle of that process, decided that was not what I wanted to do—for a multitude of reasons. But, I decided to let go of a plan that no one really expected me to have, but that I was holding on to [for eight years], and just say, no, I don't want that.

Scout: Were you nervous that your friends and your family would be disappointed and you’d have to take back this really cool thing that you were going to do? Did you think that you were going to disappoint people?

Finnley: I didn't think I was going to disappoint anyone, but I think I had, by that point, gotten so far deep—there were a lot of people vying for me and putting in a lot of work to help me, and they were excited about this decision.

So I wasn't necessarily worried about disappointing them—because if I had said, I'm not going to Air Force Academy, I'm going to Embry-Riddle and doing ROTC, that's, I think, equally as impressive and still the same theme—but to say, I'm not studying Aeronautical Engineering. I'm going to A&M and I'm going to study Communication.

I worried they would think I'm taking the easy way out.

I don't think I was worried that you, Mom—or Scout or Papa—would think that, but maybe the other people helping me so much would think, oh, so this was all for nothing.

And I didn’t know what I wanted to do instead. But I knew I didn't want that, and to just leave it right there felt like a very independent decision because no one was questioning me. Everyone was supportive.

And that also comes with the implications that I will have to make up a new plan, and that felt like a pretty big girl move to make.

Erin: Yeah, and what happens going forward is on you.

Finnley: Yeah.

Erin: Do you think that played into how successful you've been at college and how you've determined how you want your college experience to be?

Finnley: Oh yeah, because I've ended up completely where I've chosen to be, I take a lot of ownership over the classes I take, who my friends are, and how I spend my time.

The other part is how hard we've worked to get to where I can. And so I feel a healthy obligation to be a good steward of this gift we've all worked towards. So it's a little of both.

Erin: We talk about this a lot, but I think there's a misconception when it comes to our family that things come easily. (laughing)

And you've [Finnley] worked very hard to get to where you're at, and collectively we've all been invested in your success. Just as we [Finnley and Erin] are in Scout’s success, and the two of you are in my success. And that goes back to when you guys were little, and what you were saying initially, Scout, about how can I make the lives of the people in our house easier? What can I do to contribute to making things better? Rather than, it's all about me all the time.

Finnley: Yeah.

Scout: And we are genuinely excited about this new path.

Erin: Well, especially at this age, my big thing has been to do what you love.

Scout: Well, you've always said that.

Finnley: Yeah.

Erin: I don't care what that looks like. It's really, really important. People are miserable in their jobs. And there's no reason to be miserable, especially when you're starting out. Go have a blast!

How lucky are the people who wake up in the morning and want to go to work and do what they love? So find it and do that.

Were there times when you felt like I held on too tightly? And what would you say to parents who might struggle with letting go?

Scout: I never, ever thought that.

Finnley: Yeah, I don't think I've ever felt that.

Scout: Not once have I ever been like, Mom, get off my back.

Erin: (laughing) You haven't at all?

Scout: I mean, there've been a few times, but it's never anything big. Usually, we make it hard for you because you're so hands-off with us. When you have to be hands-on, we're like, Mom, what are you doing? (laughing)

Erin: Right. I have to remind you guys, “Um, I am a parent. I am the adult in the house.”

Scout: The only time I can really think of is, “Oh, I see a missing in the grade book. What is that?” And I'm like, “Mommy, don't worry about it.” (laughing) And that's pretty much it.

Finnley: Yeah. With college or driving or jobs, I've never thought, can you just let me go? I've never felt like that.

Scout: Well, I think it's important to specify that when we say hands-off, we don't mean you didn't care. We don't have a specific list of rules in our house, but we have expectations with each other, and we're expected to uphold them. And when we don't, we have a conversation about it.

We also don't mean hands off, like you're not present with us, because you're so involved with us. And you've done a really beautiful job of letting us know that we're supposed to be independent, but you will always be there supporting and helping us through whatever we need you for.

You've always been the person who says, “I'm not going to get involved in this unless you're asking me for help. In which case, I'm 100 percent there.” And that's been very helpful for me—to know, I should be trying by myself first, and then I can lean back. It's just been really great.

Erin: I say it a lot to you, I don't want to get ahead of you because I have strong feelings about things. And there are times I want to step out in front of you. But I try hard to be right behind you.

Finnley: Yeah. And then it makes it much more important when you step in front of us. Not getting ahead of us, but stepping in front, saying, “No, this needs to be handled.” It means more. Oh, this is important.

Scout: Yeah, it's our barometer.

How involved am I in your grades? Your job? Decision making? Am I involved at all?

Finnley: We just talked about my grades for the first time two days ago. And not because you don't care, but because you trust I will move my ball forward. You trust my motivation and my desire to be independent and remain independent in that sense.

But you also understand, I have a lot of things going on—there are other things that I'm responsible for that fall outside of the academic realm. And, I have some financial responsibility.

Erin: Yeah, I've said you were responsible for your spending money. Figure out how you want to make that money, I don't really care. And with your grades, it’s two parts.

You're so responsible and always have been. Both of you girls are, and I've been fortunate with that. But a lot of that has to do with you rising to the occasion of what is expected. And, again, it goes back to how we care about each other.

But if you were tanking in school, the conversation we would be having right now is less, you're not meeting my expectations, and more, okay, what's going on with you? One, that's out of character. And two, is this the right spot for you?

This is your life to live. Both of you are making decisions and creating the life that you want to have. You won't be accountable to me for that life. And you need to figure out how you want to get there and what that will look like for you.

Practically speaking, what can parents do to foster independence that leads to success?

And success doesn't mean no mistakes, but even being able to navigate a mistake independently.

Scout: What's worked well for me is that we understood the consequences of our actions from an early age, which sounds basic. But you always warned us, “Okay, you can do this, but here is a potential consequence, and that consequence will be your responsibility.”

You let us make a lot of our own decisions, but you never got in the way of the natural consequence taking its course, and we had to deal with that on our own

Finnley: Yeah, I was thinking about this earlier. You were really good about warning us about the natural consequences of our actions if we choose to do something outside of the normal expectations, but you never imposed artificial consequences.

So, the consequence imposed by you was us learning to navigate the consequences of our actions. That was super valuable. And you never made us feel bad in that situation because you told us this would happen.

Scout: Well, that's even another thing. Finnley and I never once felt like we had to sneak out of the house or do something, and couldn't tell you about it.

You've done a good job adjusting the expectations and limitations on what we can and can't do—who we were hanging out with, what we were doing, how often we were going out. The expectation is: tell me where you are, when you’re coming home, be decent, and get all your work done.

There have been a couple of times when I've taken the graciousness you gave me and used it poorly, and we've dealt with that, too.

We found a way to get a good balance and earn each other's trust.

Finnley: From early on, it was also made clear that the worst thing we could do was lie to you. We could do a bunch of other bad things that you wouldn't like or approve of—and don't align with the expectations of our house—but the worst thing we could do would be not tell you.

And it sounds backward, but that gave us a lot of independence, too, because we then had the choice to tell you the truth or not tell you the truth—and averted us (if that's the right word) from making poor decisions because we would want to tell you the truth about the decisions they were making.

Scout: Yeah, in the last couple of years, when someone's asked me to do something that's maybe not safe, or maybe not the best choice for us, I've always been, “Oh, I can't do that.” And they respond, “Well, you don't have to tell your mom.” I'm like, “Oh, no. I have to tell my mom. This will eat me alive at night.” That’s really important for maintaining the integrity of our household. But also, I want to tell you.

Finnley: (laughing) Yeah, I know. I want to tell you, and I have to tell you.

When I go out on a Saturday and something happens, I think, oh, I can't wait to tell Mom tomorrow. It's really fun that we can all talk candidly about everything.

Scout: That's how I navigate a lot of my situations, am I acting in a way that I would be proud to tell my mother? Because I know that you're gonna find out anyway.

And we've never been great at covering our tracks. (laughing)

Finnley: No, we’re terrible. (laughing)

Erin: You will never lose me over a mistake or a bad decision that you've made. And chances are, I've made that mistake myself. But there’s a shift in our relationship if we're not honest.

I don't need to know all the details—what you [Finnley] do on your weekend is not really my business. But, be to me who you are outside of this house. Consistency is so important to me.

If you’re coming to me saying, “I'm going to spend the next six months going absolutely crazy.” Ok, let's talk about how to do that safely. Let's talk about the consequences of that. But then, at least I know how to relate to you.

It's not, I'm out here going crazy and coming to Mom portraying I'm this perfect little angel child, because then we have a false relationship, and you're tricking me into having a relationship with something that isn't true.

Scout: Yeah. You don't care what we are as long as we're authentic.

Erin: Right. Because then we can actually have a conversation. I'm not going to try to convince you of something, but I may say, “Well, you may have to take your exams if you're going to do that.” If the premise of the conversation is false, then the whole conversation doesn't matter.

Scout: We don't like having non-fruitful conversations.

What's one piece of advice each of you would give to parents who are struggling to let go of their teens and allow them to have more independence?

Scout: It’s important to let mistakes take their course, especially at the beginning of something new.

It would be really easy as a parent to try to hold on as tightly as you can while watching your kid step into something so big and so scary, like college. But I think you’ve done a good job of learning to let that go and understand that not every mistake made is a failure in parenting or a personal attack.,

Letting mistakes run their course and letting kids learn how to handle them on their own is a really important kind of rite of passage.

There's obviously going to be times where you're going to need to step in and help—and they might even be asking for help—but if they're not asking for it, you might need to learn how to take a step back, and let them figure it out on their own.

Finnley: Along the same line, there isn't anyone better off for their parent doing something for them when they could’ve advocated for themself or done something themself.

Then also being understanding when they come back, and not reprimanding them for making mistakes. Mistakes are to be expected. That is a huge piece: when I make mistakes and come back to you, Mom, you come from a place of understanding rather than, well, yeah, that's what's gonna happen when you do X, Y, Z.

You say, “That's how it goes sometimes—and I've been there and I'm really sorry. What do you need from me?”, and I think that's been super helpful rather than being made to feel worse than I already do.

What's one thing you've learned about yourself in the process of becoming more independent? And how has that shaped the way you approach challenges now?

Scout: You allowing me to be as independent as I am has helped me blossom in so many different ways. It’s given me so much room to try to understand myself on a deep level, and helped me learn how to handle conflict with adults and people my age, because you don't ever step in with my conflicts.

I'm not a person who enjoys conflict, and I've really had to learn how to step into certain things and do it in a way that is authentic to me.

Erin: Has there been a time when you wished that I would have stepped in?

Scout: No, not really. I now have such a good sense of myself that I know when I need help, and you know that I'll ask for it when I need it.

Finnley: I've learned I'm bad at asking for help. And in the past, when I've “asked for help,” I've been looking for someone to answer the question for me or solve the problem for me, and usually that person's you.

So, finding a constructive way to ask questions and ask for help right when I realize I need help has been an important lesson.

Erin: Is there anything else you guys think we need to talk about when it comes to independence?

Mommy, what has been your biggest challenge with allowing us to be so independent?

(calling me Mommy is a new thing… go figure)

Erin: That's a good question. You're both so capable that there have been times when I've assumed you are ahead of where you are.

That's a weird way of saying it, but let's take you, Finnley, from a very young age, you presented as well beyond your years academically. And with that came the assumption that you were emotionally well beyond your years, as well.

I've had to adjust my thinking. While you may be able to memorize things or translate what you’re reading in a way that most people can't at your age, that doesn't mean that you aren't nineteen years old and dealing with what every other nineteen year old is dealing with. So, returning to a more realistic expectation has been an adjustment.

With you, Scout, your big independence hurdle came late middle school, early high school. Since then, you’ve found your rhythm, but that time was particularly challenging for me. I never wanted to push too much, and at the same time, I needed to push and was enforcing limitations that I didn't think I would ever have to implement—drawing harder lines while you exercised your independence.

And now, with every month that goes by, I need to take one more step back from you. And yet, stay close at the same time. And that’s a new challenge for me—learning how to do that while staying connected.

Scout: You can grow with us in some aspects, and it all evens out. You become more of our friend and less of our parent each month.

Finnley: Yeah.

Erin: Yes. (pause) But also, I have that voice in the back of my head saying, I'm not your friend. I'm your parent. I don't want to abandon the parent part because I want you to always have a parent. It's new territory and different with each of you.

Being open and flexible, and not taking things personally, has been huge. I practiced that when you guys were small. I realized that, if you're throwing a temper tantrum, it's not about me. It's about what's going on with you.

But you're still going through so much, so that's another challenge, even still.

But I've always felt like, one, you're totally capable, and two, my job is to release you into the world. And so I've never wanted you to be less independent. I've always wanted you to be more. Because the whole idea is that you get really good at it by the time you’re 100 percent on your own.

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